For the past few days I’ve had the privilege of vacationing in the beauty of the Missouri hills with extended family.  Writing this now from our cabin balcony, the view is spectacular: As far as the eye can see are blue skies and abundant sunshine- something my warm-weather loving heart can never get enough of.  The rolling green trees outlining the perimeter of the lake form a picturesque scene.  But even better than the scenery is the company.  I have truly been blessed with a family whose members are kind, thoughtful, intelligent, generous, and fun-loving.  Yet more than that, they are my brothers and sisters in Christ.  

During these beautiful vacation experiences I can’t help but wonder if this is a glimpse of what life will be like in the new heaven and the new earth.  With a finite mind, it’s difficult to imagine something better than my current here and now!  But like a child who can’t fathom how the ocean differs from a puddle they enjoy splashing about in, is my ability to imagine what God has in store for those who are His children.  But like a good Father, God, in His grace through His written Word, has been revealing to me His infinite generosity.  He indeed is the Great Multiplier. 

Multiplication was part of God’s plan from the beginning.  From the dust He created Adam, and from Adam’s rib, He brought forth Eve.  From there he gave the gift and command of multiplication to the first man and woman:  “Be fruitful and multiply” (Genesis 1:28).  With this multiplication came the institution of the family, and with it, the creation of generations.  During this vacation I have been greatly reminded of the blessing of generations and the wisdom of God in His design!  What a blessing to belong to a family line, to learn from the older generation and to pass along that wisdom and faith to the younger.  

We see again a mighty multiplication in the establishment of the Church as new believers were added daily in great numbers (Acts 2:47, 16:5).  Inspired with boldness and guidance from the Holy Spirit, the new believers spoken of in the book of Acts could not contain their joy for their Savior!  And still, two thousand years later, the Church continues to grow through multiplication- from believers sharing the gospel message with those still dead in their sin.  Though salvation is from the Lord, what a privilege to be used by Him for the advancement of His kingdom!  What a blessing it is to go into all the world, to be a part of the multiplication of the body of Christ. 

As I thought of the beauty in God’s design of multiplication, I was reminded of the feedings of the 4,000 and 5,000 recorded in the Gospels.   Not once, but twice, did Jesus multiply a humble offering of loaves and fishes to more than satisfy the hungry crowds.  The 7 and 12 leftover baskets attest to this.  So great was our Lord’s multiplication that thousands of people were fed and completely satisfied!  While this was a demonstration of the infinite power of God, what strikes me is the motivation for his action- this was a multiplication fueled by compassion (Matthew 9:36).  As with the gifts of multiplication of familial generations and the church, this multiplication was an example of God’s desire to bless and care for His creation.  

Still, Psalm 40 speaks of another multiplication- how God has multiplied His wondrous deeds and thoughts toward us (Psalm 40:5).  Far too often I assume my heavenly Father looks upon me with displeasure or indifference.  And yet, this verse reminds me that His thoughts toward me are greater than I could possibly know.  Yes, He knows our sin.  But in Christ, we are forgiven and these sins are no longer counted against us.  Imagine: not only does He mercifully forgive, but our God multiplies His wondrous deeds and thoughts toward us.  This is all grace upon grace, totally unmerited and undeserved.  As His children, He lavishes His love upon us; a love that multiplies and never subtracts.  

In light of God as the Great Multiplier, I am filled with confidence in His goodness and loving kindness.  Truly, He delights in giving good gifts to those who can never be snatched from His hand, both in this age and in the age to come.  As I once again consider eternity in the new heaven and the new earth, I have a sure hope in the words of Scripture- that Jesus has gone to prepare a place for us which is incomparable to anything we have heard or seen in this world.  There we will reign as heirs with Christ and bear witness to His glory unveiled.  For eternity we will be the recipients of grace multiplied.   

Truth and boldness.  Love and grace.  Social media alone is evidence that our world is in desperate need of both.  Too many posts to count are replete with strong opinions, fruitless rhetoric, and outright hate.  Scrolling Facebook this weekend, I found myself experiencing the heaviness of strong emotions.  And I began to wonder: As a follower of Christ, what does it really look like to stand for truth while showing love?  How do I respond with love to those who support something I don’t?  How do I hold both grace and truth without compromising either? 

Throughout the weekend I prayed for God to show me these answers.  I prayed that He would allow the Holy Spirit to govern my heart and mind and that He would sanctify me with His truth, which is His word.  

Though I’m about as pro-life as they come and rejoice greatly with the Supreme Court decision made on Friday, I began to experience an extra measure of compassion in my spirit for those who feel the opposite- especially for those who who are pregnant and scared; those who if given the opportunity would choose abortion.  Though my conviction on the issue did not waver, my heart seemed to soften.   

God continued to answer my prayer in Sunday School.  Though we were looking at a verse in 2 Timothy 3, my eyes were drawn to chapter 2 verses 23-25:

 “Have nothing to do with foolish, ignorant controversies; you know that they breed quarrels.  And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but kind to everyone, able to teach, patiently enduring evil, correcting his opponents with gentleness. God may perhaps grant them repentance leading to a knowledge of the truth.”  

There it was.  We are called to utilize wisdom and self-control in order to abstain from controversies that breed arguments.  And yet, when we do speak the truth we are to do it with kindness, patience, and gentleness.  Ahhh, of course- the fruit of the Spirit.   In the midst of anger, hatred, and fear, we are to display love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Galatians 5:22).  As much as we like to believe we can conjure up these qualities in our own power, we undoubtedly come up short. Instead, these fruits are produced in increasing measure through the Spirit as we abide in Christ.    

Make no mistake: God’s Word will stand forever, and I pray we will boldly proclaim its truth.  But speaking truth without love only results in the worthlessness of a clanging cymbal or a resounding gong (1 Corinthians 13:1).  It is only with the fruit of the Spirit that we are able to effectively point others to the hope of Christ; to the very One who is himself full of grace and truth.  

As this series comes to an end, it strikes me that nothing I have written has been complicated.  In a sense, it has been, well…basic.  And yet, simplicity is not the same thing as easy.  It is simple to understand the importance of servanthood in marriage and using gentle and gracious words with our kids.  The difficulty lies in the application of these simple truths.  Without question, we will fail over and over again.  But praise God, He gives us more grace (James 4:6).  

In regard to my salvation, I know that I am a sinner saved by grace and that I was justified by faith the moment I trusted Christ.  I know my eternal inheritance is secure and that nobody can pluck me out of my Father’s hand.  And yet, as long as I’m on this earth I will remain a sinner in need of grace.  But God, being infinitely rich in His mercy and grace, lavishes these upon His children (Ephesians 1:8).  By His word, we know that He is gracious to forgive and that we receive grace upon grace from the fulness of Christ (1 John 1:9, John 1:16).  Lamentations 3:22-23 reminds us that the steadfast love of the Lord never ceases and that His mercies never come to an end; indeed, they are new every morning.          

To think that I could apply the truths in this series flawlessly and without fail would be a grievous (and blasphemous) error. Whenever two imperfect, sinful people are in a relationship with one another the relationship will also be imperfect.  Sin is sure to abound!  We will never cease to be sinners in need of grace.  But as the above verses demonstrate, it is impossible to out-sin the mercy and grace of our great God.  And not only that, He Himself will supply us with the strength and ability to carry out His commands.  I assure you, as sinful people, we go off the rails when we count on our own strength and willpower to apply these God-given truths and principles!  These can only be done through the power of His Spirit. 

It is the work of the Spirit to sanctify the children of God; to conform them more and more into the image of Christ by growing them in holiness.  As we continue to abide in Christ through time in the word and prayer, and as we ask the Spirit to govern our hearts and minds, He will produce within us the fruits of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control- all that is needed to rightly love our spouse and children.      

All of this is for one purpose only: to bring glory to God and point others to Christ.  When we build our homes upon the firm foundation of Christ and the gospel; when we apply the simple truths that create a home environment of emotional safety and joy, our Heavenly Father is glorified.  Moreover, our homes become a ministry- first and foremost, to our spouses and children- and then to the outside world.  By His grace, we will persevere in the mission of building our homes.    

As we conclude our focus on parenting (and the book in general) I wanted to return once more to the idea of joy, for no other reason than this: It’s so easy to get caught up in the heaviness of parenting.  The weight of raising Godly sons and daughters, of teaching and training, and of correction and discipline, can be daunting and overwhelming.  The tiredness we feel from the everyday duties of parenting- dishes, laundry, taxiing, and schedule-keeping- is yet another weight we often carry.  And then there is the weight that is the challenge of raising children who come pre-packaged with a full-blown sin nature.   

And yet, it is for joy that we persevere.  There is immense joy in raising children in the knowledge of God, so that they may grow in their love and obedience to Him.  And because of our love for our children, there is joy in walking with them through all of life’s highs and lows.  There is joy in the simple enjoyment of who they are as people.  And there is exceeding joy in the giving of our love to them.  It was for joy that Jesus endured the cross, and it is for joy that we continue in our work of parenting.        

In the midst of the heaviness, we can turn to Psalm 127:3-5 to remind ourselves of this truth: children are a blessing from God to be enjoyed.  Consider these words.  “Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward.  Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth.  Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them!”  Even on the hardest days, our children are a heritage and a reward!  As we continue in the God-given work of raising children, let’s also be diligent to delight in our arrows in the following ways:

1. Spending time together.   When it comes to kids, there is no such thing as “quality time.”  It’s just time that matters.  While special trips and big days out are fun and memorable, time with our kids does not have to be something that is elaborate in nature.  In fact, it’s the seemingly small, daily interactions that matter most.  Everything from car rides across town, short walks, working on household chores/tasks together, chatting at bedtime, and everything in between, are golden opportunities to delight in the company of our kids.  While this, of course, is likely not a new insight, I know for myself the value of being reminded of the significance of these shared moments- especially in light of the brevity of time our children actually live in our homes. 

As our kids get older, we may be tempted to disengage a bit, believing they don’t want to spend time with us.  While their interest in their friends does increase during adolescence, this does not mean that their interest in us decreases!  During the teenage years, our parenting roles may shift, but our kids’ needs for us do not.  Case in point:  studies show that teenagers benefit psychologically and socially from time spent with parents (https://www.futurity.org/hanging-out-with-parents-boosts-teen-self-esteem).  Because God is the great designer of the family unit, it’s not surprising that research backs up the vital role of parents taught in Scripture.  

As we leave this point, I want to give some consideration to the importance of giving our kids our undivided attention.  I know as well as anyone how easily cell phones can distract.  However, it’s vital that we intentionally put our phones down, make eye contact, and really look at our kids when spending time with them.  While our presence is powerful, being a fully present presence is even more so.  

2.  Making Room for Play.  Contrary to what we may believe about adulthood, we are never too old to play!   After all, at any age, is anything more delightful than play?  Even more, play is a major mode of connection for kids.  When our kids ask us to play with them, they are inviting us to know them and engage with them.  While not all forms of play may be our cup of tea, if our kids are inviting us into it, we should regularly oblige.  I’ll admit: make-believe Barbie play was not always my favorite form of playing with my daughter (however, this could also be due to the fact that she gave me very little creative license when it came to plot lines and dialogue).  But play we must!  Whether it be sports, board games, dolls, or tea parties, through play we demonstrate joy and delight in our kids.       

While of course play includes all that was just discussed in the previous paragraph, I thought it was worth noting that play also includes our attitude/demeanor.  Does this mean we have to go out of our way to be a comedian?  Of course not.  But it does mean that keeping a light, playful attitude with our kids is another way to demonstrate our enjoyment of them.  I truly believe that humor is a great gift from God and is part of being created in His image.  This gift is also a wonderful tool for deepening our connection with our kids.     

Every age and stage of parenting is not without its challenges, heaviness, and intensities.  But let us not forget the immense joy that exists not only on the other side of the struggles but even in the midst of them.  As we make delighting in our kids a priority, I have no doubt that the joy in our homes will also abound.

As we transition to discussing communication in the parent-child relationship, please remember that the same principles and applications already addressed for the marital relationship are still applicable.  (For instance, in our communication with our children, we should aim to edify and speak the truth in love.)  This post aims to capitalize on what has already been addressed so that we can build a home culture of emotional safety and joy.    

Proverbs 18:21 is an incredible reminder of the weight of our words. It says: “Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits.”  Did you catch that?  Death and life.  With our words, we build up, and with our words, we tear down.  When communicating with our kids, this is absolutely a crucial truth to remember.  Our words are powerful and have consequences- for better or for worse.   With this in mind, let’s look at 3 key components of life-giving communication: 

1.  Gentle words.  Before I begin, let me first clarify that gentle does not mean weak.  Nor is it the opposite of strong or direct.  What it does mean is “having or showing a mild, kind, or tender temperament or character.”  This means gentle words are simultaneously truthful and kind, bold and respectful.  Of note, gentleness is named as one of the nine fruits of the Spirit and was a word our Savior used to describe his nature (Matthew 11:29).  As followers of Christ, we are called to bear fruit and to be conformed to his image.  Gentleness is for sure to be on our radar!   

And if that is not enough to convince you of the importance of gentle words, consider Proverbs 15:1 which says, “ A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” A few verses later we learn, “A gentle tongue is a tree of life, but perverseness in it breaks the spirit” (Proverbs 15:4).

Part of being an effective communicator with our children is remaining calm and ensuring we have our emotions under control before speaking.  A gentle spirit, and subsequently, gentle words, can only exist in conjunction with self-control!  As tempting as it can be to match our child’s level of discourse, smart comebacks or sarcasm only adds fuel to the fire.  Ephesians 6:4 reminds us that we are not to provoke our children to anger but to bring them in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.         

2.  Building and gracious words.  Turning again to the book of Proverbs, we see vivid descriptions of using our words to bring life to others.  Consider Proverbs 16:24: “Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body.”  By definition, gracious words are courteous, kind, and pleasant.  But even more than that, as followers of Christ, our words are to be gracious in that we seek the good in others and look for ways to build one another up.  Statements such as, “I appreciate your hard work,” or, “You bring so much joy to my life,” take but a few seconds to say but add sweetness to the souls of our kids.      

Likewise, Proverbs 25:11 says, “A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in a setting of silver.” Though we previously applied this verse to the language of marriage, I wanted to bring it up again as it also relates to parenting.  Speaking fitly spoken words takes a bit of discernment, and again, self-control.  For our words to be received well, we must be mindful of when they are said (timing), and of our child’s capacity at the moment to receive our message (mood/disposition).  Though sometimes it’s difficult to hold our tongues, I’ve found the most fruitful conversations seem to happen when I choose to wait for a more opportune moment.  

3. Genuine and Non-Judgemental.  As much as we want our kids to come to us with all of the important stuff in life, this will only happen when we listen with genuine interest and without passing judgment. Kids, and especially teenagers, will clam up faster than anything if they feel they are being criticized or judged.  They can also quickly sniff out ulterior motives.  

As parents who teach and instruct our kids in the ways of truth, being non-judgemental can prove challenging.  However, as we consider this point, it’s helpful to remember that Jesus himself was full of grace and truth (John 1:13).  In speaking with the woman at the well, he did not condemn her, yet directly confronted her need for a Savior.  What a beautiful model for us to imitate!  While we will not always get it right, we can strive to speak truth with a loving and gracious spirit, knowing that our kids won’t always get it right either.   

While this point is really more about our attitude than specific types of words, I included it under the category of life-giving communication because grace and truth foster safety and freedom.  And when our kids feel safe and free with us, they, and our homes, will be filled with life and joy.  

In the previous post, we discussed the importance of parenting with an attitude of humility.  As the last post focused on 3 practical applications of humility, this post will focus on the attitude of respect, and 4 practical ways we can demonstrate this in our parenting. 

When we talk about demonstrating respect for our kids, one important thought comes to mind: taking them seriously.  While we as parents have more years of life experience, more wisdom, and more knowledge, this does not mean we have a license to diminish the thoughts, opinions, and feelings of our kids.  In fact, we should be mindful to do the very opposite!  By keeping these four tips in mind, we can demonstrate respect for our children and build a home environment of emotional safety.  

1.  Respecting their thoughts and opinions.  It’s easy to forget that our view of the world and all of the problems of life are vastly different than that of a child/teenager.  Just as we can’t help but think with a fully developed adult brain, our kids can’t help thinking with their still-developing brain!  Couple that with an ample difference in life experience, and we’re bound to have some disagreements! But here’s the catch: we need to listen to understand our kids rather than merely convince them that our way of thinking is right.  This, by the way, is very difficult and requires a great deal of patience and humility!    

While of course, we teach our children the truth and lovingly explain why we believe what we believe about any particular issue, we cannot neglect the importance of understanding as a major goal of communication.  Even when we disagree with our children’s perspectives, we can still show them respect by listening to understand, using the same skills previously discussed in this series: reflection and a curious stance. (For more on these, see the following post: https://nicolebyrum.com/2022/03/27/welcome-home-the-language-of-marriage-part-ii/ )  

As I shared above, it is critical that our kids know we take them seriously.  When we take the time to hear them- when we listen to understand- we demonstrate that we value and care about what they think.  Furthermore, we show them that they can trust us to respect them even if we disagree with them.  As an added bonus, having these types of conversations increases our children’s critical thinking skills and trains them to have productive discourse. 

2.  Respecting their emotions.  As a counselor, I can’t emphasize enough how important this one is!  Can teenagers be dramatic?  Absolutely.  Are elementary kids unreasonable?  Sure.  But when we as parents minimize our children’s emotions it creates a disconnect in the relationship and enforces the idea that their emotions aren’t credible or valued. 

One of the best ways we can respond to our children’s feelings is to name the emotion they’re experiencing.  This lets them know that we get how they’re feeling- and that is so powerful!  Statements like, “I can see by your facial expression and tone how angry you are,” or “It sounds like you’re feeling really disappointed right now,” communicate empathy and understanding.  Affirming their emotions is also critical.  For example: “I can understand why you feel that way,” or, “I’d feel that way too if that happened to me,” express validation.  The more we use these kinds of statements, the safer our kids will feel with us, and the more likely they will be to come to us in any given situation.  

A word of caution: In our attempts to help our children feel better (or perhaps at times in our sinful, uncompassionate natures) we can minimize what our kids feel.  Statements like, “Oh, it’s not that bad,” or, “You’re just grouchy right now,” are not helpful and do not communicate respect for their feelings.  Likewise, we should avoid comparing our life experiences to theirs.  For instance, “Well, when I went through my first break-up I just got on with it, I didn’t sit around and cry all day.”  Our kids are their own people and will respond differently than we did when they experience a similar situation.  Finally, we need to abstain from telling our kids they shouldn’t feel a certain emotion.  Nobody likes to be told how they should or shouldn’t feel, especially when they’re hurting or upset.  

3) Show enthusiasm for their interests.  When we are enthusiastic about the things our kids enjoy this is a way of demonstrating respect.  Alternatively, if we’re dismissive of something that’s important to them, this will only create distance- and possibly tension- in the relationship.  Even if we don’t get the appeal of their preferred activity or interest, we should still make a great effort to learn about not only what they enjoy, but why they enjoy it.  Engaging with our kids in their interests communicates support and encouragement and is a great way to build up the relationship.  This is also a wonderful opportunity for our kids to teach us something (see point #1 from the previous post).  When my son started golfing a few years ago, I knew pretty much nothing about the sport!  It’s been fun for both of us that he has been able to teach me about the game he loves.

4) Show an interest in their friends.  When I was a teenager, one of the qualities I appreciated most in my mom was her sincere and genuine interest in my friends.  As we’re well aware, friendships, especially during the teenage years, are a top priority!  By showing love and respect toward our kids’ friends, our kids will feel as though we are respecting them.  Getting to know- and enjoy- our kids’ friends is truly a gift we give to our kids.     

One way we can show our interest in their friends is by having conversations with their friends.  While we might be tempted at times to grill them with questions, this is not the way to go!  Instead, we should take time to ask sincere questions in order to generate conversation.  Another easy way to express interest is to ask our kids about their friends.  Simple questions like, “What’s Suzy been up to lately?” communicate that their friends matter to us.  Similarly, remembering details of what our kids have shared about their friends (or what their friends have shared with us) and then asking follow-up questions demonstrates our care for them.  Finally, being an enthusiastic supporter of their friends communicates we value them.  We should cheer their friends on at sporting events, musicals, or whatever else they’re into!  Not only does this build our relationship with our own kids, but it’s a wonderful way to be a light in their friends’ lives as well.  

One final note: As parents, it is our job to come alongside our kids to help them evaluate their friendships.  For sure, there will be some tough conversations concerning their friends.  Yet, these should always be done with an attitude of respect.  During these conversations, we must be careful not to demean our kids’ decision-making abilities or bad-mouth the people they care about.  “Suzy has a really great sense of humor, I can see why you enjoy being her friend! But I would like to talk to you about another quality of Suzy’s that concerns me,” will generate a very different response than if we say, “Suzy is no good and making terrible decisions for her life.  I don’t understand why in the world you would want to be friends with her.”       

Demonstrating an attitude of humility and respect towards our children reflects a desire to love our kids as Christ loves us.  This desire is a result of having a firm foundation and lives changed by the gospel.  It is also a reminder of why we need to continue to abide in Christ through his word and prayer.  We simply cannot do all of this in our own strength and wisdom!  Let’s continue to pursue Christ and give glory to him as he equips us in the good work of parenting.    

For those who have been following along in the series, you know we have focused on the following: building a firm foundation on Christ and the Gospel; marriage setting the tone for the home; the values of a home filled with emotional safety and joy; the language of marriage; and the theological (and subsequent practical applications) of joy in marriage.  As we shift our focus from marriage to parenting, we will keep the same principles in mind that have been previously discussed throughout this series.  

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At first glance, some might bristle at this post’s title.  After all, aren’t parents supposed to be the ones in authority?  Don’t we need to be firm, especially in discipline?  The answer: Yes.  But please don’t be mistaken- this is not an either-or situation!  Kids need authoritative parents.  That is, parents who are nurturing, supportive, responsive, and firm.  Both firmness and support are needed, and one without the other spells disaster.  Firm parenting without a sense of love and support will lead to rebellion; lax parenting with a high degree of support and responsiveness will lead to entitlement and a lack of self-control.  While this post focuses on the parental attitude of humility and respect in creating an environment of emotional safety, please know that this safety is also created when parents firmly set and hold to rules and their subsequent consequences.  

Just as within marriage, an attitude of humility and respect is of the utmost importance in our relationships with our kids.  This is the attitude needed to create an environment of emotional safety and joy!  Remember, emotional safety is the comfort and security experienced in a trusted relationship; it is feeling safe from attack and ridicule and is the fuel for collaboration and connection.    

Let’s first turn our attention to the attitude of humility within the parent-child relationship.  Previously, we stated that true humility is non-threatening and invites security and trust.  It is the attitude described of Christ in Philippians 2:5-8 whereby he humbled himself as a servant.  How then, do we as parents demonstrate this attitude of humility? While this could be an entire book unto itself, today we will examine 3 practical ways: 

1. Cooperation.  Whether our children are 3 or 16, we can demonstrate humility by asking for their help and input.  Of course, by doing this we are also teaching them practical skills and critical thinking skills.  Yet, something more is communicated: their help, as well as their thoughts and opinions, are of value to us.  When kids know that their thoughts matter- when they feel their voices have been heard- this greatly enhances their sense of confidence and security in general and deepens their trust and connection with us in particular.  It also lets our kids know that we don’t always have all of the answers and that we too need help- even as an adult.  By asking for their help, we model that it’s okay to not know everything and that it’s good and wise to ask others for assistance.  After all, the only way we can model humility is to be humble ourselves!

As we go about our daily tasks, let’s be intentional in seeking opportunities to ask for our children’s help- even with tasks we could do ourselves.  And with discretion and appropriate boundaries, let’s (at times) ask our kids for their input concerning problems or stressors we may be facing.  After they have helped or shared with us, let’s express our humility and gratitude by thanking them for their time, efforts, and ideas.      

2.  Apologize.  Few things in life require more humility than offering an apology.  To admit our mistakes, faults, and wrongs does not come naturally to us!  Rather, we prefer to hang on to the bitter end, preserving the last bit of our pride.  But as the book of Proverbs reminds us, pride goes before destruction and a haughty spirit before a fall (Proverbs 16:18).  Furthermore, Proverbs also teaches that a fool does what is right in his own eyes (Proverbs 12:15).  Certainly, hanging on to our pride is foolish- especially when it costs us peace and connection in our relationships.  

In light of these truths, we are left without excuse: when the situation requires it, we need to apologize.  As sinners, we will sin in every relationship we have.  If you’re a parent reading this, you no doubt know the depths to which this is true in the parent-child relationship.  And so, when we blow it as parents- when we lose our cool, use harsh words and tones, or fail to keep our word- our first recourse should be to apologize.  

Our apologies should be sincere, taking full responsibility for our actions and words, without placing blame on the child.  An effective apology also recognizes the emotion and hurt experienced by the one we have wronged.  Such apologies model humility as well as the proper way to apologize.  As example-setters, if we apologize well, our kids will be equipped to do likewise.  Most importantly, our apologies will lead to greater trust and safety within the relationship.    

3. Curiosity.  In our prideful attitudes, we assume we know it all.  But a humble attitude makes the opposite assumption- that we have much to learn.  And when it comes to our kids, we will always be learning!  While we may (and do!) know much about our kids’ strengths, weaknesses, attitudes, and demeanors, we cannot truly know everything about them.  This is why it’s so important that as parents, we stay curious.  

Being a curious parent means holding a genuine interest in what our kids think and feel.  It means caring about how they see themselves and how they interpret the world around them.  To be sure, these kinds of conversations take intentionality and time on our part.  But when we invest in these conversations- when we ask questions and attentively listen to their responses- we build connection.  

With humility, let’s be mindful to engage our kids in meaningful conversation.  Whether about school, world events, their interests, or friends, we can ask questions without assuming we already know their answers.  One last encouragement: if you haven’t already, please consider making topics related to faith and the Bible a regular part of your conversations.  This is a fantastic way for both you and your child(ren) to grow in your walk with God and in your relationship with one another.

I wish I had known sooner.  For so many years, I failed to grasp the significance of the Old Testament tabernacle and sacrificial system.  Of course, I knew the tabernacle was beautiful and precisely created, just as God had instructed.  It was meant to reflect His glory and to be the place where His people met with Him.  As for the goats, lambs, and bulls, I knew they were sacrificed on behalf of the Israelites’ sin.  Yet, I didn’t see the fullness of this beautiful picture; they were but mere shadows of what was to come. 

Within the innermost part of the tabernacle was the Holy of Holies. This was the very dwelling place of God which was set apart from the rest of the tabernacle by a thick veil.  This veil was a visual representation of the sin that separates man from God’s presence; a signifier of the divide between a holy God and a sinful people.  It was clear: the two could not mix.  No man except for the high priest could enter the Holy of Holies- and then but once per year on the Day of Atonement.  

On the Day of Atonement, the high priest would sacrifice an animal for his own sins and for the sins of Israel.  He would then enter the Holy of Holies to spread the blood from this sacrifice (known as the sin offering) on the mercy seat.  The mercy seat was the lid of the Ark of the Covenant and the place where God was seated among His people. It was here, in this place of meeting, that mercy flowed abundantly from the sacrificial blood.  

As I write these words it all seems so strange- so foreign.  We have not known this world of blood and sacrifice, of priests making offerings on our behalf.  We have not been like the worshipers of the Old Testament who could only approach God in the temple through sacrifice and prayer.  No, we have only known the benefit of the New Covenant by which we can boldly approach the throne of God. This is the Covenant ushered in through the sacrificial death of Christ.   

As his suffering came to an end, Jesus cried aloud and gave up his spirit.  What happened next was unimaginable: “And behold, the veil of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom; and the earth shook and the rocks were split” (Matthew 27:51).  The temple veil, that curtain which was at least 30 feet tall and approximately 4 inches thick, was torn.  That which had represented the barrier between man and God was now open.  The new message was clear: there was now a way to have direct access to the presence of God.  That way was- and is- through the veil, that is, the broken body of Jesus Christ (Hebrews 10:20).  

Amazingly, the earthly tabernacle had been but a copy of the heavenly one (Hebrews 8:5).  As our great high priest, Jesus entered into the heavenly tabernacle not with the blood of goats, rams, or bulls, but with his own blood- the blood he had spilled on our behalf as our substitute (Hebrews 9:24). Until that time, all the blood of the sacrificed animals had been but a shadow of the blood that can actually cleanse the conscience of a sinner.  His sacrifice was better: a completely sufficient once for all offering that secured our eternal redemption, making us holy forever (Hebrews 7:27; 9:11-12; 10:14).  The blood of animals could never accomplish this.  Only by the perfect blood of the Lamb did this become a reality.

And so we rejoice that the earthly tabernacle and mercy seat are now obsolete- for our hope is now secured in the heavenly places.  As Hebrews 6:19-20 says: “We have this as a sure and steadfast anchor of the soul, a hope that enters into the inner place behind the curtain, where Jesus has gone as a forerunner on our behalf, having become a high priest forever after the order of Melchizedek.”  

Because Jesus is our superior high priest, we can draw near to the throne of grace (Hebrews 4:16).  And because he holds his priesthood permanently, we can draw near whenever we have need, with a true heart in full assurance of faith (Hebrews 7:24; 10:22).  As our high priest, he has anchored himself in heaven’s holiest place- and because we are joined with him, we are anchored there as well (https://www.1517.org/articles/whats-an-anchor-doing-in-the-holy-of-holies).

As I reflect on all that I have written here, I can’t help but feel overwhelmed by the riches of God’s grace.  And yet, I cannot fathom a life otherwise.  I can only offer sacrifices of praise for the sure and steadfast anchor of our souls- Jesus Christ.  He alone bore our sins and redeemed us from the pit of hell.  And he alone is our high priest in the heavenly places.  Because of his sacrifice, we are no longer objects of wrath, but a royal priesthood (1 Peter 2:9).  Once separated from God’s presence, our lives are now hidden with Him in God (Colossians 3:3).  To the glory of God, our anchor holds forever within the veil.  

*For more on the blood sacrifices, see my blogs: Nothing but the Blood (Part I and II)

Let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God. (Hebrews 12:1b-2) 

The night before his crucifixion Jesus prayed in the garden of Gethsemane that the cup before him might be taken.  Matthew records his words: “My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will” (Matthew 26:39).  Three times Jesus prayed this prayer.  Troubled in his spirit, Jesus prayed so intensely that he began to sweat drops of blood (Luke 22:44).  Luke describes Jesus’ condition as that of agony.  

Why this anguish?  What was the reason for his earnest and persistent plea? 

Our Savior knew full well what was to come.  The scourging, the mocking, the spitting.  The crown of thorns, the nakedness, the nails.  Being pierced for our transgressions and crushed for our sin.  He saw it all before him.  But more than even that, he knew the cup he was to drink was that of the Father’s wrath.

On the cross, the wrath of God reserved for sinners was to be fully poured out on him. This was the source of his agony.  He was to become the object of the holy and righteous wrath of God stored up for the sins of mankind.  As our substitute, he would experience the torments and afflictions of hell that we so justly deserve.       

Jesus knew this wrath was coming.  He knew he would experience complete separation from the Father- that not one ounce of the Father’s goodness or love would be upon him.   On the cross, he would be utterly stricken, smitten, and afflicted.  The Father’s face would be turned from him.

Why we may ask, would he do this?  Why would Jesus take upon himself the absolute and deliberate wrath of God?  Why would he become the representative of wretches like us?  After all, Jesus made it very clear in John 10:18 that nobody takes his life from him: that he lays it down on his own accord.  What could possibly compel him to do this? 

Hebrews 12:2 tells us that it was for the joy set before him that he endured the cross.  What then was this joy?  

For the joy of obeying the Father.  For all eternity past, the Son enjoyed perfect union and love with the Father and the Holy Spirit.  Yet, Jesus proclaimed his purpose for his time on earth was that of submission: “For I have come down from heaven, not to do my own will but the will of him who sent me” (John 6:38).  John also recorded this statement from Jesus concerning his purpose:  “My food is to do the will of him who sent me and to accomplish his work” (John 4:34).  While in human flesh, the eternal Son of God submitted to the will of his Father; to carry out the plan of salvation that had existed before the creation of the world (Revelation 13:8). 

While on Earth, Jesus spent his life in perfect obedience to the Father.  He overcame Satan’s temptations in the wilderness and he perfectly fulfilled the Law.  In obedience, Jesus finished the course of suffering before him by his death on the cross.  Though his agony was greater than comprehension, his desire to obey and please his Father was greater still.  

For the joy of bringing glory to himself and the Father.  Jesus’ high priestly prayer recorded in John 17 details the great desire our Savior had for his Father’s glory as well as his own.  The glory that could only be had on the other side of suffering (1 Peter 1:10-11).  In the garden before his arrest, Jesus prayed, “Father, the hour has come; glorify your Son that the Son may glorify you….I glorified you on earth, having accomplished the work that you gave me to do.  And now, Father, glorify me in your own presence with the glory that I had with you before the world existed” (John 17:1, 4-5).    

Through his obedient death on the cross, glory would be given to God for bringing about the salvation of the elect; and glory would be given to Christ for accomplishing the work given him by the Father (John 17:2-3).  With joy, Jesus looked forward to being restored to the glory he previously experienced; though now he would be glorified in heaven as the God-man, not as the preincarnate eternal Son (Cara, 2020, Tabletalk Magazine).  

For the joy of his reward, being the Savior for his people.  In John 6:39 we learn that the will of the Father was this: that Jesus would lose none given to him by the Father and that he would raise them up on the last day.  Given to him by the Father.  This amazing phrase means that those chosen from the foundation of the world to be adopted as sons and daughters through Christ (Ephesians 1:4-5) are given to him as a gift– as a reward for his obedience to even death on a cross.  The elect are given to the Son by the Father, and the Son gives eternal life to all who believe in his name. 

Yet, Jesus knew the inheritance of a people for his own possession could only be accomplished through his death.  And so, by his own blood, he secured for himself a radiant bride composed of people from every tribe, tongue, and nation (Revelation 5:9).  This bride is the church (Ephesians 5:27, Acts 20:28).  And if we are among those who have trusted in Christ alone for salvation, this includes us.  By the riches of God’s grace, we are part of the Father’s gift to the Son.  Truly, for the joy of being our Savior and so that we may see his glory (John 17:24) Jesus endured the wrath of God. 

The unimaginable agony endured by Christ on the cross was sustained by the hope of the joy set before him.  For the joy of obeying his Father and for the joy of bringing glory to them both, he absorbed the wrath and horror of the cross. But oh follower of Christ, may we never forget how he delights in being our Savior.  For his joy included ransoming his bride, that he may present her to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle, holy and without blemish (Ephesians 4:27).  In love and with joy, he has made wretches his treasure. 

Now before the Feast of the Passover, when Jesus knew that his hour had come to depart out of this world to the Father, having loved his own who were in the world, he loved them to the end. (John 13:1) 

As I read the account of the most famous supper of all, I can see them all in my mind- the 12 chosen disciples and Jesus, ascending the stairs to the upper room.  The Twelve had no idea what was about to unfold; how nothing would be the same after that night.  

The Passover meal prepared, they took their seats and listened to Jesus declare his desire to eat this meal with them before he suffered.  They had heard this talk before, yet it never seemed to sink in.  Instead, they began to argue over who was the greatest.  Jesus quickly reminded them with his words, and then his actions, that true greatness is found by humbling oneself to serve.  

At the onset, it seemed this would be an occasion for frustration and annoyance on the part of Jesus.  After all, these men had been with him for three years.  Had they not learned anything? Did they not understand?  Yet, John began his account of the upper room with these words: Having loved his own who were in the world, he loved them to the end.  

Kneeling on the ground, he began to wash their feet, one by one.  One more lesson.  One more act of everyday love before demonstrating the greatest love of all.  Through the years, Jesus had healed a disciple’s family member, provided them with food, calmed the raging sea, and patiently taught them when they were slow to understand.  The washing of their dusty, dirty feet was his final act of servant love before his arrest later that night.   

He loved them to the end.  What a beautiful way to describe the thorough love of our Savior; and what confidence this gives that he will also love us- those who are his own- to the end. 

Earlier in John’s gospel account, he recorded these words of Jesus: “My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me.  I give them eternal life, and they will never perish, and no one will snatch them out of my hand”  (John 10:27-18).  What utter grace and amazing love!  Our Shepherd has made our salvation secure.  We who are his sheep can never be taken from him.  

A few short years later, the Apostle Paul gave us this same encouragement in his letter to the Philippians.  He wrote, “He who began a good work in you will carry it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ” (Philippians 1:6).  By His grace, God’s saving purpose will be fulfilled when Christ returns in glory.  Until that appointed time, he will keep his sheep so that they might reign with him forever. 

Later in his life, John wrote about this most glorious and anticipated day.  In the last few chapters of Revelation, he described the new Heaven and the new Earth- a place where all things will be made new, and our tears will be wiped away.  Truly, those written in the Lamb’s book of life will be kept and loved not only until the end but through eternity. 

And so my mind goes back once more to those men in the upper room.  They really didn’t know how their lives were about to change, or what this would mean for all of humanity.  As the night would continue to unfold, they would witness the betrayer leave their midst, and they would become the first partakers of the elements of the new covenant.  To their surprise, their night would end in a garden with the arrest of their Lord; an arrest that would lead to many sons being brought to glory.     

I can only imagine how John must have replayed all of this in his mind as he sat down to write the account of that night.  It’s impossible to know what he must have felt, or if he wrote through many tears.  Yet, we know his reflection in accordance with the Holy Spirit left us with this beautiful beginning: having loved his own who were in the world, he loved them to the end.  This is the love of our Savior.  The love that secures us forever in him.