Sometimes I just can’t believe that it’s real- that our Savior has really prepared a place for those who believe in him.  Whether through my own death or his return, that I will really be in heaven one day seems…distant and strange.  It is simultaneously my glorious hope and a source of unbelief.  For some reason, I know with everything in me that Jesus died for sinners; that my sin has been completely covered by his blood, and that he has risen indeed!  Death could not hold him and he now sits at the right hand of the Father.  But to imagine being with him in heaven?  Sometimes I just can’t grasp it.  

Yet, when I read Revelation 21 and 22 my heart swells at the very truth John recorded.  He shall wipe away every tear; There will be no night there; They will see His face, and His name will be on their foreheads.  

Before John was given the beatific vision of heaven, he recorded these words spoken by Jesus: “In my Father’s house are many rooms.  If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you?  And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be also.” (John 14:2-3).  As every word Jesus spoke has proven true, how could I doubt these words?  Like the possessed boy’s father I can only pray, I believe!  Help my unbelief!  (Mark 9:24)

As is the way of God, he has chosen the foolish things to shame the wise, the things that are not to bring to nothing the things that are.  I find this again in the thief on the cross.  

There he was, a common criminal nailed to a tree, reaping the punishment he had sown by his crimes.  I don’t know what he knew of a coming Messiah or if he had read the words of the prophets.  He was not a follower of Jesus and had never heard him speak. Yet, this man next to Jesus became a believer who exercised faith.  His words, “Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom” were bold.  But this dying man had everything to gain, and nothing to lose.  Still, I wonder what he expected Jesus to say.  Did he think his boldness would pay off?  Whether he did or not, he spoke the words nonetheless.  He professed belief and made his request.  

I can only imagine what it must have been like to hear Jesus’ reply: “Today you will be with me in Paradise.”  Oh, how I wish the thief’s response was recorded for us in Scripture!  No greater words could be heard by any human ear, let alone a dying criminal.   What a beautiful irony that his greatest joy on earth came as he hung with outstretched arms on a cross, gasping his last breaths.  He was now a man saved by grace through faith awaiting an eternity with the Suffering Servant beside him.  

Contrasted with the thief I have had years upon years of solid Bible reading and teaching.  I know the covenants and the fulfilled prophecies; I see the fulfillment of the Old Testament in the New.  I know he rises again as our living hope, and I know the ending of Revelation.  Moreover, I know how He has changed my life.  

And yet, this common thief’s faith was based on none of that.  He saw Jesus for who he was, trusted him, and called out to be saved.  A convicting reminder that the kingdom of heaven belongs to the poor in spirit.        

Like the thief, I am a sinner saved by grace.  As such, I will hold fast to the Savior’s promise of Paradise, and I will trust the Spirit-inspired words of the apostles: that for those who believe in the name of Jesus, a glorious inheritance is waiting.  One that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading; the likes of which no eye has seen, nor ear heard.  

This I know and believe, even though I struggle to comprehend it.  Yet, I will pray for the Lord to hasten the day when my faith shall be sight.  I will pray to have the faith of a thief.    

 Over the last several posts we covered some challenging ground!  We began by talking about choosing Whom we will serve and what it means to build our homes on the firm foundation of Christ and the gospel.  We’ve also talked about the attitude, values, and language characteristics of a household culture of emotional safety and joy.  Throughout this series, we’ve emphasized that marriage sets the tone for this culture and have focused heavily on the aspect of emotional safety.  Today’s post will continue to focus on marriage as the tone-setter, but as the title implies, the spotlight will be on creating a culture of joy.    

While we will get into the practicality of cultivating joy in marriage later in this post, let’s first look at this topic theologically.

As stated previously in this series, one purpose of marriage is to reflect the joy of the union between Christ and His Church.  Hebrews 12:2 reminds us that it was for the joy set before him that Jesus endured the cross.  And what was that joy?  It was the joy of being our Savior, of reconciling his bride to himself.  Although he suffered more than we could ever imagine, it was the joy before him that kept him on that cross.  John Owen described this perfectly when he wrote,  “He did all this that he might enjoy his bride, that he might be for her, and she for him, and not for another” (from his book, Communion with God.)  While we will experience this joy fully only when we are with him in heaven, we have a piece of it even now as we have fellowship with his Spirit that is within us.  

If this is not enough to convince us that God created marriage to be joyful, consider the following verses:   

Proverbs 5:18- “Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth.” 

Proverbs 31:10-11- “An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels.  The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain.”  

Song of Solomon 8:6-7a- “Set me as a seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm, for love is strong as death, jealousy is fierce as the grave.  Its flashes are flashes of fire, the very flame of the Lord.  Many waters cannot quench love, neither can floods drown it.”  

These verses demonstrate that husbands and wives are to rejoice and delight in one another.  Yet so often marriage lacks this joy.  This happens for a myriad of reasons: we become easily preoccupied with our jobs, household tasks, and childrearing; we get tired in all the ways- physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually; we harbor resentments toward one another; or, we may even forget that marriage is meant to be joyful.  Whatever the reason, it is well worth our effort to intentionally cultivate joy within our marriage; for as joy in the marriage increases, so does the joy of the entire family.  But most importantly, a joyful marriage is a true picture of the joy of Christ toward his bride.  

Let’s turn our attention now to 4 ways we can intentionally cultivate joy in our marriages: 

1.  Joyful Greetings and Partings.  Part of everyday life includes the comings and goings of our day.  These are prime opportunities for connection.  Don’t waste these moments!  Take the time to wish your spouse a good day and give some affection before parting ways.  Similarly, take a moment to greet one another upon return.  As the title of the entire series implies, the idea of “Welcome Home” is to make our homes a welcoming, inviting, safe place to be.  A simple way to create this culture is with a smile and warm greeting when our spouse walks through the door.  Even on the days we’re feeling tired, stressed, or annoyed with our spouse, we can still choose to be intentional about the way we part with and greet one another.    

2.  Cheer in Shared Activities.  It’s always a great thing when spouses enjoy the same activities/hobbies.  If this is true of you and your spouse I encourage you to set aside time in your week to engage in that activity together.  If shared activities have been lacking in your marriage, think back to the activities you enjoyed together when you were first dating/married and make a point to begin doing these again.  (And if this means hiring a sitter to make this happen, then, by all means, hire the sitter!)  

If you and your spouse struggle to have a commonality in your preferred hobbies, this is an opportunity for compromise.  For example, fishing may not be your thing but if your spouse asks you to tag along, then do it!  Or, maybe you don’t really love going on walks but your spouse has been asking you to join them…again, just do it!  But here’s the catch: leave any grumbling behind.  Just as God loves a cheerful giver (2 Corinthians 9:7) we create joy in our marriage when we cheerfully compromise and give of ourselves to one another.   

3.  Keep the Conversations Going.  It’s easy for our conversations with our spouse to center on the day-to-day things such as finances, schedules, work, and the kids.  All of these transactional topics are good and necessary!  But there is much joy to be had when we share in transformative conversations.  These are the conversations that allow us to really know our spouse.  Transformative topics can be heavy or light.  For example, we can discuss goals, fears, struggles, politics, or spiritual matters.  But we can also take time to talk about lighter matters such as favorite childhood memories or lighthearted hypotheticals.  The point of all of these conversations is to know and enjoy our spouse more intimately.  One great way to get these transformative conversations started is by using the Gottman Card Decks app.  This app has so many great categories of questions!  It’s free and awesome, so check it out! 

4.  Keep the Gospel Central.  From the beginning of this series, we have stated that Christ and the gospel are the firm foundation on which we build our homes.  As we continue abiding in Christ through prayer and time in the word, we will bear the fruit of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control.  All of these fruits add immeasurably to the quality of our marriages- and I especially love that joy is named among them.  The more we continue to grow in our walk with God, the joy within us will be displayed in our homes and in our marriages.  While this point may be less practical in nature than the previous three, I wanted to include it as a way to encourage a continued gospel focus within your own life as well as your marriage.   

Joy is needed to reflect the glory of Christ and his Church and it is needed to create a stable and loving home environment. I pray this post has renewed your perspective on joy within marriage.  As the one writing these words, I can attest that this post has been just as much for me as anyone else.   May we spur one another on as we intentionally pursue joy together.

Last week we talked about the key principles of edifying language and speaking the truth in love. Today we’ll look at four practical applications of these principles for everyday conversation.   

1.  Listen to understand.  This might seem like an odd first choice as this whole post has been about our words!  But when we listen to understand rather than respond, emotional safety increases.  And while yes, we need to close our mouths to listen well, our words can also be used in a way to help us truly understand our spouse’s point of view. Here’s how: 

We can use our words to reflect what has been said.  It’s often our tendency to immediately respond to our spouse’s words rather than ensure we have an accurate understanding of what has been communicated.  However, when we use reflection the flow of conversation is slowed and our desire to understand is communicated.  Reflection also gives our spouse the chance to clarify their point or to affirm we have understood them.  Consider these examples: “I want to make sure I understand. You’re saying…” Or, ”You just said….is that correct?”  Taking the time to reflect on what we’ve heard is a simple but effective way to have productive end edifying conversations.  

We can take a curious stance.  Rather than jump to conclusions or rush to judgment about what our spouse is saying, we can ask questions first.  Of note: tone and intention are important here!  When we take a genuine interest in our spouse’s view and approach the conversation from a curious standpoint, we invite open dialogue and increase safety.           

2. Compassionate Responses.  In order to respond to our spouse in a meaningful, compassionate way, two things are needed: empathy and undivided attention.  When it comes to undivided attention, let’s face it- we can’t be all that compassionate if we’re scrolling through Facebook while our spouse is speaking.  (Trust me, I’m preaching to myself here.)  Giving our spouse undivided attention when they speak communicates love, respect, and interest.  It also allows us to practice point #1 and arrive at a better understanding of what is being said.  

Once we have a clear understanding of what our spouse is communicating we can offer a compassionate (rather than judgemental) response.  As noted above, this requires empathy; being able to identify and feel what our spouse is feeling.  This may seem like an inconsequential matter, but being able to reflect our spouse’s feelings is a superpower.  Rather than rushing to give advice or piping up with a quick, “I told ya so,” try first reflecting their emotion.  Statements such as: “That sounds like a really frustrating situation”, or,  “I know you worked hard on that project and feel disappointed it didn’t work out like you planned,” are great ways to increase emotional safety in the relationship.  

So often couples stop talking to one another because they either fear their spouse’s harsh response or believe their spouse won’t understand them.  Compassionate responses are a key way to build safety, connection, and assurance in marriage.   

3.  Repairs.  We’re not always going to get it right.  Our self-control and tempers may wane or our words may not come out the way we intended.  When this is the case we need to remember our keyword, humility.  (For more on this see Welcome Home: Marriage Sets the Tone.)  In humility, we value the relationship over being “right” and prioritize reconciliation over pride.  It is humility that allows us to recognize our faults and make repairs.  

John Gottman, the founder of the Gottman Institute, defines a repair as “any action or statement- silly or otherwise- that prevents negativity from escalating out of control.”  (For more on repairs see https://www.gottman.com/blog/r-is-for-repair/).  The language of repairs involves taking ownership of personal faults and extending an invitation to calmly continue the conversation.  Examples of repair statements include: “Let me say that again in a softer way,” “I can see my part in all of this,” and, “My reaction was too extreme, I’m sorry.” 

Conflict may never feel comfortable.  But when repairs become commonplace during emotionally charged topics, both spouses can enter the discussion with confidence that they will be respected.  They will know their spouse is for the relationship rather than just themselves.             

4.  Assertive Statements.  As discussed in principle #2, speaking the truth regarding our thoughts and feelings is essential to marriage.  The key here is the combination of direct speech and a respectful attitude.  Remember, our intention in conversation should be connection rather than alienation.  Assertive communication aids us in this goal in two important ways:    

Assertive statements express emotion while taking ownership of the emotion.  

It’s commonplace to blame others for how we feel (i.e. you make me so mad!).  However, when we own the emotion rather than blame, safety is created.  Beginning a statement with “I feel” is a good way to do this…provided the third word is an actual emotion!  It’s common in our culture to use the phrase “I feel” but then proceed to not actually name an emotion (i.e. I feel like you’re not listening to me).  This is not the proper use of “I feel!”  Instead, express the specific emotion and connect it to a specific fact.  For example, “I feel frustrated when you scroll Facebook on your phone when I tell you about my day.”  Once we’re able to identify and express our emotions we’re ready for the next step.

Assertive communication expresses a need or a request.       

As much as we would like our spouse to magically know what we need (or as obvious as we think it might be) it’s our responsibility to directly and specifically communicate it.   For example, the statement “I want you to help out more around the house,” is very vague!  Alternatively, a specific request might sound like this: “My Mondays are so hectic. Can you please do the dishes on Monday evenings?”   To use our above example about phone scrolling, the request might go something like this: “What I request is that you put your phone down when we’re having a conversation.”  Lastly, be sure to add your emotion about the fulfillment of your request.  Let your spouse know you would feel loved, appreciated, or cared for should they do what you ask.      

In writing this post I fully realize that none of the principles and applications discussed have been complex concepts.  However, as is often the case, the simplest of instructions come with the most difficult applications.  And yet, it is through the application of these simple truths that we reap a great reward; the reward of a strengthened marriage and a home culture of emotional safety.  

Every culture has a language and the culture of emotional safety and joy is no different.  As in the previous posts, we will look at this topic within the context of marriage.  Why? Because marriage sets the tone.  Remember, this series is all about creating a culture which makes home a desirable place to be.  Language plays a huge role in this endeavor!  How we speak to our spouse matters tremendously and has the ability to create- or destroy- emotional safety in the home.  In today’s post we will look at two guiding principles of the language that creates emotional safety.

Pricinciple #1:  Language must be edifying.  The language we use with our spouse must be aimed at building up rather than tearing down.  Can you imagine how different our marriages would be if everything we said were put through this filter?  How much more loving, uplifting, and emotionally safe they would be?  It’s unsurprising then that God’s word is not silent on the topic of language.  Ephesians 4:29 instructs us to not let any unwholesome talk come out of our mouths, but only what is good for building others up according to their needs.  When life gets busy and/or when tensions run high, it’s easy to forget this principle.  But the reality is we have the tremendous opportunity and privilege of building our partners up by encouraging, guiding, and equipping them with our words.    

The Old Testament was not silent on this topic either!  Proverbs 25:11 says, “A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in a setting of silver.”  While apples of gold in a setting of silver may not mean much to us, this is likely a reference to a column of silver adorned by carved fruit of gold.  Such a piece of art was considered opulent and beautiful. (https://www.gotquestions.org/apples-gold-settings-silver.html).  The point of this verse is that our words- when rightly spoken and fitting to the situation- are just as beautiful and valuable.  A wonderful reminder of the power of our words and the importance of being intentional with them.    

Principle #2: Speaking Truth in Love.  As we well know, difficult conversations are necessary within marriage.  We can’t escape this reality!  Speaking truth matters.  Being honest with our partners about our thoughts and feelings matters.  Confronting sin matters.  And yet, without love our words become the resounding gong or clanging cymbal of 1 Corinthians 13.  As in the first principle above, the intention of speaking truth should be our spouse’s edification.  If we’re using our words as weapons to “prove a point” or “win the argument,” our own interests, rather than our spouse’s, are likely in view.          

In his first letter to the Corinthians, the Apostle Paul communicated some hard truths regarding both their behavior and division within the church.  He communicates very clearly and directly in chapters 3 and 4 for the purpose of the church’s edification.  Yet, his tone of love and concern prevails.  “I am not writing this to shame you, but to warn you, as my dear children” (1 Corinthians 4:14).  As we communicate truth to our spouses, may we make it our goal to emulate Paul’s example.   

With these principles in mind, tomorrow we will turn our attention to 4 practical applications for everyday conversation with our spouse.

So far in this series we have established the following: 

1.  Building our homes takes intentionality and persistent work- but the reward far outweighs the cost.  
2. We must choose Whom we will serve.  If it is the Lord, then we build our homes on the firm foundation of Christ and the gospel.  Everything flows from this!
3. Marriage is the next building block upon the firm foundation and sets the tone for the culture of the home.  A culture of emotional safety is built by exhibiting an attitude of humble servanthood within the marriage.  

Today we will continue to focus on marriage, highlighting three values needed to create a home culture of emotional safety and joy.  

1. Growth in the knowledge and love of God.  We build our homes on Christ not just through a one time confession or choice but by continuously abiding in him through time in prayer and the word, and through regular corporate worship.  As stated in a previous post, all these actions require discipline.  However, when we value growing in the knowledge and love of God we are motivated to stay consistent in these actions.  A cycle then emerges: the more consistent we are, the more we grow; the more we grow, the more we want to stay consistent.  

To be clear, loving and glorifying God (by growing in knowledge and love of Him) is to be our number one priority in life, whether married or not.  But when this is the top priority of both individuals in the marriage, the result will be an increase in the fruit of the Spirit.  Galatians 5:22 tells us the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control- all things needed to develop a home culture of emotional safety.  Of course, we will never possess these qualities in perfect measure, but as we grow in our sanctification, our marriages and families will be strengthened.   

One more note on this topic: as parents, we cannot expect our children to value prayer, Bible study/reading, and corporate worship if we do not model this.  The marriage sets the tone.  As our kids age, they will be especially aware (and critical) if we do not live out what we preach to them.  This goes not only for our time in prayer and the word, but in our obedience to it.  I praise God that this is not dependent on our own strength!  As we abide in Him, we will be changed and strengthened by His Spirit.     

2.  Family: Marriage and Children.  This may seem like an obvious observation, but I thought it was one worth noting.  Creating a household of emotional safety and joy happens when those in the marriage value marriage and children.  Whatever other careers, hobbies, and interests there may be between the husband and wife, valuing the marriage must be second only to God.  When marriage is valued we strive to intentionally live out the ways God has commanded us to love and treat one another within this relationship (Ephesians 5:22-33).  Ultimately, we will care for, honor, and cherish most that which we value most. 

The same is true when we value our children and the great honor of parenting.  In His grace God gives us children that they should be highly valued and cherished.  As Psalm 127:3-5a days, “Behold, children are a gift of the Lord, the fruit of the womb is a reward.  Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, so are the children of one’s youth.  Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them.”  It is our great privilege to love our children and raise them up in the ways of the Lord.  

When both the husband and wife feel valued by one another there will be comfort and safety in the home.  The same holds true when children feel valued by their parents.  With the value of marriage and children present, a sense of acceptance and belonging is created- and this is felt by all.  When all in the family know they are wanted and valued, emotional safety is increased.    

3.  Fun.  Last but not least is the value of fun.  To be sure, marriage and parenting is serious business in that they are to be taken seriously!  However, the institution of marriage not only exists to demonstrate the union between Christ and His Church, but to reflect the joy of this union.  Christ delights in his bride!  We then should delight in one another.  Although there are differing interpretations of the Song of Solomon, it is quite clear from this portion of Scripture that the marital relationship is to be full of love and joy.  It is this enjoyment of each other that sets the tone for joy within the family. 

A home full of laughter and playfulness is a place where all (even guests and friends!) long to be.  As Proverbs 17:22 says, “A joyful heart is good medicine.”  While we maintain the attitude of humble servanthood in our marriages, let us also remember to value the enjoyment of one another.  Our heavenly Father delights in us when we enjoy the good gifts He has given us- and our marriages and children are without question among the most precious of these.  

I will close out this post with a few considerations: 1) Let us consider how we can continue to grow in our knowledge and love of God, both individually and within our marriages.  If you haven’t already, consider making this a regular topic of conversation between you and your spouse.  2) Let’s also consider how we can communicate our love and appreciation for one another.  By what means can we consistently communicate to our spouses and children that they are valued?  3) Lastly, let us be mindful to make ‘fun’ a priority.  How can we enjoy our spouses and children today?